Feast, Then Ashes
Set February 26-27, 2006, during the time Remy LeBeau and Amanda Sefton were living in New Orleans.
Friday
Evening
The doorbell? Remy looked up from his paperwork. Who the hell could be at the door? Tante never rang the doorbell. Or knocked. And had somehow acquired a key. Amanda hadn't even seen the new place yet. Remy grabbed his cane and struggled to his feet. Likely one of the bloody Guild lackies coming to ask him to betray yet another guild.
Remy limped heavily to the door. "If dis is a bribery offer, have de money out and ready. I've got a lot of work to do." He wrenched open the door. "Now what!"
Lorna shivered on the doorstep and tried not to jump when the door was yanked open. New Orleans, unlike Hawaii, actually responded to the change in seasons and the temperature hovered in the high 50s. A far cry from the perfect 80 degrees every day in Hilo. The air was the same feel though, heavy and thick, almost a palpable force. She tugged her suit straight and smiled shakily at Remy, "Sorry, I didn't warn you I was dropping in but you never pick up your phone."
Remy's face froze for a second, as his mind had to catch up with the fact that instead of some crazy black baggage or a guild member standing at his door, it was Lorna. "uh... bonjour?"
Remy stepped back awkwardly from the door and opened it fully. "Didn't think dat Remy warranted an assault team from de X-Men yet. I like de suit, but I prefer de form fitting leathers."
"I was in the neighbourhood." Well, provided one considered the mainland 'the neighbourhood'. Which most people wouldn't. She clasped her hands around her purse strap. "Um, I mean, it's nothing team related. I'm not on the team anymore. I just...needed to talk to you." This was going brilliantly.
"Oh." Remy thumped his cane twice on the floor before turning. "You should come in den. Mind de step. Haven't had time to make de place handicap friendly yet."
Remy turned and walked into the apartment, while Lorna slowly followed. Looking around, she was willing to bet the words 'already furnished' were involved in his rental decision. The only thing that seemed to be him was the stacks of files in the living room, and the stainless steel European coffee engine in the kitchen.
The nice thing about being a mutant was that her single item of luggage followed her inside and parked itself by the door. She set her purse on top of it. "This looks nice," she said after a moment, lacking anything else to say and it was a step above 'This looks soulless' which struck her as a bit too honest.
"Oui, it's my dream house." Remy disappeared into the kitchen and poured two cups of coffee. He limped back out, carefully holding both of them in one hand and put them on the table.
"Unfortunately, it means dat I have to keep de rest of my things out in de servants' quarters, but we all sacrifice." Remy looked at her levelly for a minute. "When did you say yes?"
Lorna's left hand clenched. "Christmas." No point in pretending that she didn't know what he meant. "We're not getting married...until school's finished. This was just something he wanted to do for me." She took a deep breath. "Can we sit down?"
"You can. De chairs hurt my hip." Remy shuffled the cane in front of him and took a sip from the coffee cup. He was being irritable, but couldn't help it. His leg hurt, the work was grinding him, and Lorna just showing up out of the blue had thrown him, especially with the eventually expected ring on her finger.
"You here, without Alex, and without de X-Men. Knowing you, dere's no way dat dis is a social visit without you calling first. So my keen intelligence training says dat something's wrong."
Lorna sighed and muttered, "I did call." Once and had hung up before the first ring finished. From a payphone. "It's just..." she started to pull out a chair and just gripped the back instead. "I've been thinking. About me and Alex and everything that we've been through. And we're living together now, like, really and it's..." She shook her head and gestured at her suitcase, the white airport tags still on it, "I was in Berkeley, interviewing for this program to study the Fault. And it kind of hit me...except not really but...I don't know if I should be engaged to Alex. I don't even know if I should be with him. And that...that seemed like it felt right. So then I thought of you and...I didn't know what to think and so maybe it would just be easier to come here so..." Her ramble halted and she shrugged helplessly, "So here I am."
"I see." Remy took another sip of his coffee. He cocked his head, regarding her with a strange look on his eyes. "You made some decisions 'bout Alex, 'bout you life, and now you scared. Like you said, it easier to come here wit' me den having to face dem."
Remy limped over to the stack of papers on the table. He flipped through a couple of files and finally came up with one. He opened it, looking through it as he continued to sip from the mug.
She gaped at him, mouth opening and closing a couple of times without making a sound. Finally she gave an indignant squeak and walked over to him, yanking the file out of his hand and slapping it on the table. "First of all, I came here because you're part of my problem, not because I'm running from it. Second of all, I haven't made my decision yet. Third of all, what the hell is wrong with you? You've been an ass since you opened the door." Color rushed into her cheeks, darker than the blush she'd applied over them.
"What were you expecting, Lorna?" Remy turned sharply, suddenly right face to face with her. "De reassuring speech 'bout how you just nervous? Dat you and Alex going to work it out, or how Remy not de thing dat you need to worry 'bout? Well, I left dat speech at de office, Lorna. I'm not de easy option. Thought dat you'd have figured dat out by now."
"If I wanted an easy option, I'd still be in Hawaii!" she shouted. Lorna flinched in surprise her own vehemence and shook her head, continuing in a quieter but no less passionate tone, "I don't want you to be easy. I don't want you to lie to me! I just want...I just want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me!"
Remy leaned back as she yelled. His expression didn't change, only a minute shift in his weight as he settled against his cane. There was a moment of stillness between them, until he finally dropped his eyes and sighed.
"Dere's nothing wrong wit' you, Lorna. No matter what you choose, it won't be wrong. It will just be different."
She turned away and pulled out a chair, slumping into it, resting her head in her hands. "How can you say there's nothing wrong with me?" she asked quietly, "I have everything I ever wanted at home. I shouldn't be able to wait until I can get there and get back to that life. Instead I'm here with you, still in love. That's not normal."
Remy walked over to the table and picked up her coffee. He limped back and handed it to her before positioning himself across from where she slumped. He tapped the bottom of his chin with his cane as he considered her before finally talking.
"Is dat de decision you came to talk to me about? Whether you should go ahead wit' marrying Alex and being in de mansion, or whether you should stay here in de Big Easy wit' Remy? Chere, you a bright woman. I think dat you can guess which one dat Remy going to support." He gave her a wry grin.
Lorna curled her hands around the coffee mug automatically and glanced up at him, "Yeah, I know what you'd pick. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I thought that maybe coming down here would make it easier for me to decide. You know, if I saw you I'd realize that it wasn't really right or something." She stared into the black coffee and sighed then took a sip.
"You assumed if you saw me, dat you'd decide what you wanted. Den I was an ass to you, and you still need to decide?" Remy pointed the cane at her. "If dat didn't kill my chances, you do have an issue."
His tone was light, but Lorna had gotten used to reading his eyes, and they were serious.
She smiled anyway because it seemed like the thing to do. "I expect you to be difficult. You wouldn't be Remy if you didn't make me want to tear my hair out." She took another sip of her coffee, smile fading. "It doesn't look like it's going to be that easy for me."
"Why?" Remy shook his head. "Why is it dat hard, chere? I work for a voodoo queen as her voice to a group of criminal families. Add de fact dat de she and a Brit ex-witch who's working at de local bar are de closest thing dat I have to friends, and dat de idea of running down to de store is now a cruel joke. Is dis really de life you want? Because dat's what I come wit."
Lorna quirked a brow at him, "Maybe I don't know which one you support after all. Are you trying to convince me to go away, Remy? Or just hoping I'm contrary enough to stay just to prove you wrong?"
"Dat's one question dat I'm not going answer." Remy's mouth quirked again. "Let's be honest, Lorna. What is it dat you want? Seen you try to be an X-Men, tried to be de perfect teacher. Lots of other things too. But de one thing dat Remy not seen a lot of is what you want without all de reasons why you can't or why it's de wrong idea."
"I don't know." She held up a hand before he could tell her that wasn't an answer and tried to come up with something more clear. "I thought that I knew what I wanted. White picket fences and two dogs and 2.5 kids and all that. A perfect suburban life. But...I'm on my way to that and I'm just terrified. There are all these things that I keep thinking I never did and am going to regret. And I don't want regrets. I don't want to get married and wonder if I made the wrong choice."
"What do you think dat you going to ask youself if you dump it all and run away wit' Remy and into my life?" Remy shook his head. "No matter what you do, dere's going to be dose questions, chere."
Lorna sighed, "I'm not trying to decide that right now. All I'm trying to do is figure out if I really am going to go home and tell Alex that I can't do this anymore. I...I can't pick you or him yet." She looked at him steadily for a moment then down again. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't fair of me."
"Dat's right. No dessert for you." Remy struggled back up to his feet, wincing. He limped over to the window, looking out over the street and down towards the levees. Remy leaned his cane against the wall and put his hands on the sill.
"Chere, what changed? You've never even once said dat Alex wasn't de one. Is it him or de life dat you worried about?"
"He loves me. I know that." Lorna stared at the table, admitting to Remy what had been nagging at her for ages, "I just don't know if I still love him or if it's...habit or dependence or something. I mean...Christ, look at our relationship. Six months in and he nearly killed me. Three months later, we got back together and I'd never been more broken. Maybe what keeps me with him isn't love."
"How do you decide dat, chere?" Remy didn't look at her. He couldn't. The second she'd come through the door, everything had changed for him. Remy had assumed that Lorna would always be with Alex. He'd come to live with that.
Lorna shook her head. "I'm not sure. But I don't think it's the kind of thing that I can decide staying there. And I came here because...well, if I feel this was about you, how can I feel the same about Alex? People aren't built like that."
"I don't know what to tell you, Lorna. Is it going to be something dat you can decide here either?" Remy still stared out the window. "Next time dis happens, at least warn me in time to get de candlelight dinner ready first."
There was silence for a moment then the sound of the chair scraping over the floor as she stood up. She crossed to where he stood but didn't touch him. "I needed to see you, Remy. And I can give you a hundred reasons why that is but basically, I just needed to see you. No candlelight or anything needed and aside from everything else that's going on in my head." There was nothing but sincerity in her voice except perhaps a little trepidation.
"Where does dis leave us den?" Remy looked over and quirked an eyebrow. "Unless you haven't seen enough of Remy yet."
She was smiling, "Don't tempt me, Remy. It's not nice."
"Never said dat I was nice, chere. Thought you knew dat already." He turned, finally facing her. His eyes flickered to the bag behind her and back. "So you want me to make up de couch?"
She looked momentarily perplexed then blinked, "Oh. No, I was going to get a hotel. I came straight here from the airport is all. Had to bring the bag. I don't want you to feel obligated. I'm not...I wasn't expecting anything."
Remy looked down and then back up to her. "Guess dat makes sense." He picked up the cane and limped past her and the bag, back into the kitchen. Remy refilled his coffee cup, carefully putting the pot back under the industrial spout. "Linens are in de closet." Remy frowned into the cup. "I think."
She was silent, watching him, seeing the limp that she'd put there and the way he was hiding his own hurt for her sake as he always had. She closed her eyes. "Yeah. I'm sure I can find them."
Saturday
Morning.
Amanda hummed jauntily to herself as she took the front steps to the building that housed Remy's apartment two at a time, book bag bouncing on her shoulder. It was a grey day in New Orleans, but it was infinitely warmer than New York from what Marie-Ange's latest email was saying, her classes were done and she had the whole day off, just for herself. Well, mostly - there was just this one errand to run for Tante Mattie, and it wasn't really that much of a chore. She'd been wanting to see Remy's place for a little while now and delivering the painkillers Tante was supplying him was a perfect excuse to snoop. Besides, he'd been so busy lately she'd missed seeing him around. Maybe she could entice him out to the bar or something with her...
Finding the right door she rapped on it smartly, using the time before it opened to adjust her leather jacket and her hair, windblown as it was. She'd gotten used to the blonde even, figuring a new look made sense for the new start she'd been given. A rebirth, of sorts. "C'mon, Remy, open up!" she called playfully. "Don't tell me I've caught you shagging some bird or something!"
Lorna froze in the act of pouring a cup of coffee and swiveled slowly to look at the door and the familiar voice. She considered ignoring Amanda but didn't think that she would actually go away if she did that. She looked down at her state of half-dress, hair still wet from her shower, and sighed. This wasn't going to be good. Without moving from the kitchen, she stretched out a hand and shifted the locks, pulling the door open. "He's not here," she said, the sound carrying easily through the small space.
For a long moment Amanda stood in the doorway, taking in Lorna in the absolutely last place she should be. Then her face hardened slightly and she came in, closing the door softly behind her.
"Look what the cat dragged in," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back against the door. The leather of her jacket creaked slightly with the movement. "I suppose I should ask what you're doing here, but I've got a pretty good idea." Her tone spoke volumes even as she absorbed the suitcase, Lorna's wet hair and state of half-dress.
"Well, then I won't bother to correct you since I'm sure your idea is vastly more interesting. Don't worry. I'm not staying. My flight is this evening, earliest I could get." Lorna sipped from the mug and eyed Amanda, "I like the blonde."
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "So it was just a little problem this time?" she asked sardonically. "Only worth a day of his time? And then you just jet off and leave him in a mess. Isn't that nice of you?" She ignored the remark about her hair - she didn't need Lorna's approval, even if Remy apparently still did.
"You can't imagine how little your razor sharp wit is making me want to rush to explain myself to you. Especially since it's not any of your business and I can't really say I value your advice." Lorna rolled her eyes and turned to pull a tray of cookies from the oven. "Anyway, like I said, he's not here so feel free to just take yourself right on away again."
"Fine. I was just here to drop something off, anyway." Pulling the bag of painkillers out of her book bag, Amanda came forward to leave them on the table. "Tante sent these 'round, for the pain." Pain Lorna had caused, but Amanda knew better than to say it. Remy would be shirty at her if she had a knock down drag out with his precious Lorna.
Lorna flinched like she'd heard the words unspoken. "I'm not here to hurt him. I just needed to talk to him. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it when I'm gone and you'll have a great laugh at my expense."
"Like he'd ever laugh at you," Amanda muttered, a touch sullenly as she put the bag down. Then she looked up at Lorna, flipping her hair out of her face to meet the other woman's eyes frankly. "See, the thing is, he loves you. He cares about me, but I remind him of where he's come from, what he's been, and I always will. You... you're his hope. What he hopes he can be one day. And that means you can hurt him more than any other person in the world." Her lips thinned into a tight line. "He's my friend. He came into the Hellfire Club to make me see what I was doing, and I owe for him that. But I can't put him back together, either physically or emotionally. Not any more. So just... don't, okay? He deserves some peace after everything we've put him through."
Lorna looked back at Amanda for a long moment, chin lifted in defiance, then suddenly sighed and slouched back again the counter. "I know he is. And it's mutual. But see," She lifted her left hand, palm in. "I have this problem." The ring caught the light and spat fire back into the room.
Amanda took in the ring, knowing who must have given it to her, what it meant. "Remy... it's been hard for him. Real hard. What happened last year, Pete, the Professor, they used him. Hell, I used him, in a way. He's just getting back on his feet, so t' speak." Her eyes hardened. "It's good that you're leaving."
Lorna sighed and dropped her hand, "I'm really trying not to hurt him again. Remy saved my life. More than once even. I've brought him a lot of heartache in return. He should have killed me in Florida. Do you know what his power does to mine? Malice wouldn't have been able to stop him. That's what makes it my fault. He wouldn't stop her because it was me." She shrugged, "I'm leaving now. But I love him and that's going to keep on complicating our lives."
"Only if you let it. Lots of people use love as an excuse to be a bloody irresponsible idiot." A brief, wry grin crossed her face. "Me, for starters. But you know what? You're both grown-ups and I'm just a fucked up kid trying to sort out her life. Doesn't matter what I think, does it? You do what you think is best, but just remember what I said. He hasn't got it in him to come back from the brink again."
Giving Lorna a nod, Amanda hitched the bag up onto her shoulder. "I'll be going. Good luck with... things."
"Accepting the responsibility that comes with love is what makes you more than just a fucked up kid. Not the other way around." Lorna sighed. "Good-bye, Amanda. Take care of him when I'm gone."
"Been doing that already," Amanda replied with a shrug. "It's what friends do." And with that she let herself out, slamming the door behind her with a little more force than was perhaps necessary.
Lorna didn't react to the slamming door. She stood quiet and thoughtful for several moments then with a sigh went to pull herself together and get dressed. Amanda had given her a great deal to think about. She'd have to talk to Remy again when he got home.
Saturday
Afternoon
Remy unlocked the door with a certain amount of concern. After waking up with Lorna in the apartment, the level of stress had ratcheted up as far as possible. It was easy to make barriers and explain things, but with her sudden issue with Alex and her own inexplicable appearance, Remy's mind was turning in circles he never considered before.
He walked through the door and noticed the packet on the kitchen table immediately. Amanda had been by. With Lorna. Remy suppressed a groan. That couldn't have gone well. With a sigh, he tugged off his jacket and tossed it on to the rack.
She looked uninjured at least, hair once again pulled back into a prim bun, not pulled out by its roots. Her eyes were tired but that wasn't surprising. She'd sleep badly and woken early. Her suit was neat and unwrinkled however. She sat on the couch, leaning forward on her elbows, holding a coffee mug that no longer steamed. She started a bit when he opened the door. "Hi. I'll be out of your way soon. My flight's this evening." It was probably the fourteenth time Lorna had told him that. Her gaze followed his to the package on the table, "Amanda came by."
"So I see." Remy tossed his keys on the counter and pulled open the package. It was the grabbag of painkillers that Tante sent over regularly, so he could sleep with the twisted hip. He stowed it carefully in the cupboard, both wondering and dreading what she and Amanda might have said to each other.
"You know, chere, dat you don't have to leave so soon." She was ready to run, he knew. The smart move was to let her. But something twisted inside him and made him dig in his heels. Despite everything, there was a traitorous part of him that wanted her; not even just sexually. Just... here. With him.
She looked away then with a sigh, shook her head and forced herself to look back. "No, I can't. I have to go back. I have to talk to Alex. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. It's just...selfish, really. I want to stay longer. That's selfish too, telling you that but I do. And I can't." She nodded toward his kitchen. "I made some stuff. Nothing fancy, I just needed to think."
Remy took a long moment, letting the silence stretch in the apartment as he filled his coffee mug and looked at the pile of fresh made pastry. His stomach turned, but he gave no indication as he limped back to the table and sat down.
"What happens now?" Remy said, taking a long sip from the mug. "Breaking up wit' Alex, going back to de X-Men... dey all give you a lot of reason to run away again, Lorna. It going to be easy just to go home to California and assume dat you all at fault."
She stood and crossed to the table, setting her mug down and sliding into a chair across from him, silently the whole while. She rested her hands, palm up, in front of him. "I'm not sure right now. I feel like my life is being boxed in and I'm being smothered in the process. I don't know if I'll go back to Xavier's or to Berkeley or home. I'm just...taking this as it is and not looking ahead."
"Is dat enough?" Remy shook his head. "Lorna, you not just a victim dat gets buffeted along wit' whatever happens. What do you want?"
He took another long gulp, draining the cup. They'd danced around this issue since the moment she arrived. "Either there's something you want, or you want someone to make de decisions for you. Dat worries me."
"I don't know what I want. That's the whole problem. I thought what I wanted was what I have." She turned her hands over, pressing them flat to the table. Her ring glinted on her left hand. "Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted that life, you know? I told you. Pretty house with a white fence and a dog and two point five kids and all that. And right now, I live in Hawaii with a fiancé who adores me and everything is so perfect and so exactly what it was supposed to be." Lorna shrugged. "Everything except me."
Remy started to say something and paused, instead getting up and limping over to the kitchen and refilling his mug. There was so much there right now, outside of his experience. He knew the easiest solution; self-loathing, but that wouldn't work with her. "So what is different about you den?" Remy eased himself back into his chair. "Remy don believe dat you just one day found out dat things changes and now you lost. Maybe you haven't figured out de whole story, but dere things 'bout dis dat you haven't told me."
Lorna's lips quirked. "Well, there are a lot of things different. When I was little and dreaming about being grown up and how perfect it would be, I'd never been an X-men. I'd never been kidnapped and controlled by one of the more evil men on the planet. I'd never killed anyone. I was very normal. I don't feel normal anymore."
She sat back in her chair. "It wasn't sudden, you're right. I mean, it's true, what I said yesterday about Berkeley and realizing things were wrong. But that's not where it started. I don't even know where it did. Maybe in Hawaii. Maybe in Alaska. Hell, maybe it was in Florida with Malice in my head. I don't know. I just know that I can't deal with it anymore."
Remy sat for a long moment, just watching her without comment. Finally he put a hand up, scrubbing it through his short cropped auburn hair. "Non."
Lorna looked up at him, and his own features hardened. "It's not dat you can't deal wit' it. You telling me dis because if you don't, den you already have de excuse why." Remy shook his head. "De only thing dat you need to do is decide what it is you need. If dat means leaving de X-Men, school, Alex... even me, dat's not you not dealing wit' it unless you make it an excuse."
She stared at him like he'd grown a second head and tried at least twice to speak, mouth opening and closing like a fish. "I don’t even know how to respond to that. You keep telling me I'm running away and...yeah, okay, fine, I am. But this isn't the easy way out, Remy. It's not like I'm refusing to make a decision. I don’t know even what my choices are yet."
"Den why do you keep telling me dat it's because you can't deal wit' it? You right, you haven't made a decision. You don't know what you need to do. Dat's different den not being able to deal wit' it." Remy said. "I know it's semantics. But... look, part of running away from things for Remy was telling myself dat I couldn't understand. When I didn't, I had de reason not to try to. De things are not de same, I know. But... don't want you to have to go through de dumb things dat I did when you don't have to."
She started to drag her hand through her hair then remembered the bun and grimaced. "I'm trying to understand. My first choice in this is not to have my life completely turned upside down but it's a damn big mess already." Lorna sighed and shook her head. "Let me ask you. What do you think I should do? Honestly."
Remy mouth twisted into a wry smirk. "Honestly, Remy think de best thing dat you could do is to marry Alex, settle down in Hawaii and forget dat de X-Men, Magneto and even me exist. Dis type of world keeps pulling you back in de longer you stay around it. Eventually, you stop getting a choice."
He cupped the edges of his mug for a long moment. "Dat's de smart move. But is dat going to make you happy? I don't know. If not, den you're stuck in de situation dat only you can answer. I know what I want, I know what Alex wants, but what you want? Dat you haven't told me yet."
"I want to be sure that I'm not making a mistake. If I do stay in Hawaii and marry Alex and pretend that all this never existed...I don't want to look at myself in twenty years and hate the person I see there. I've done that. I did my best to erase her bit by starving bit." She looked down and traced the grain of the wood. "So what is it you want, Remy? Since you say that you know."
"Dat so hard to figure out, chere? I want you to stay here and forget dat all of it exists. Remy want you for himself. Take you to bed and wake up beside you and not think 'bout de fact you an X-Man and I'm a killer." LeBeau took a deep breath. "But what I want, and what should happen are a long distance apart for each other. Most importantly, what I want has nothing to do with that's right either."
"I wanted to hear you say it." Lorna said quietly, looking up from the table. "Why did you call me an X-man? You know that I haven't been on the team in 6 months." Her face was a bit pale, her green eyes serious. It wasn't an idle question.
"Because it's still de way you think of yourself." Remy said simply, covering his discomfort with a sip from the mug.
Lorna took a long breath and sighed. After a moment, she nodded. "I miss it and I hate that I do. Alex would never understand if I went back." She reached out and picked up her own mug, sipping it even though it was lukewarm at best. "He hates the idea so much."
"Not really his decision." Remy said tightly. He wouldn't admit it, but part of him burned at Lorna's questions. She'd come down to him to ask him things she knew the answer he'd provide; Alex, the X-Men, himself. Was it reassurance or self-indulgence? He quashed the notion harshly. "You do what you need to do, Lorna. If you can walk away, dat's de smart move. If you can't, better he knows now den later."
"Is that how you feel? That it would be better if I just walked away from you?" Lorna felt bad for asking it even before she'd finished talking and winced and shook her head. "You don't have to answer that. I'm sorry. I wish I could just talk to you without hurting you," she sighed and amended her statement to be a little more truthful, "us."
"You can't. And it doesn't matter." Remy shook his head. "You know dat dis isn't going to happen, Lorna. Dat's why you're here. Either you'd stop it or I would. Makes me safe for dis." Remy pushed himself out of the chair and limped back to the kitchen. It was amazing how effective drinking coffee was at covering emotions. "De truth is dat de X-Men means one day, you going to suffer hard, and Alex loves you too much to be able to handle dat. As for myself," Remy filled the cup and looked at the surface. "You'd hate yourself every second dat you were here. Eventually, you'd blame me for it. Dat's why de choice is de leathers or de childhood dream."
Remy finally looked up, his red on black eyes disturbing intense. "You should go back to de X-Men. Until you deal wit dat, dere's no future wit Alex."
Lorna met his gaze steadily, wanting to deny his words, all of them. Finally she closed her eyes and sighed, "I think I was hoping for something different. Some other way where things would work out but that's not going to happen is it?" She opened her eyes again, "What..." she stopped, faltered and asked a different question, "What are the pills for?" Invasive but not as cruel as her original question had been.
"Pain. My hip is twisted. I can't sleep properly or sit on it without something." Remy's voice had gone cold. She'd asked because self-loathing made things clear; easy. His fingers tightened on the top of the cane, and he forced himself to stop grasping at it. He knew that if he limped over to her, took her in his arms and whispered what she meant to him, how much she mattered, that she'd stay. They end up clutching at each other in the sheets, whispering reassurances between themselves in the dark of the night.
But that wasn't right. It was easy, but wasn't how things should go. He'd spare her the pain if he could, but she'd already chosen her path. "Guess dat not everything works out like you think it will. For example, dose fifteen insanely horny eighteen year old cheerleaders dat Remy wanted haven't knocked on de door yet." One look around her made it obvious Remy spent his nights alone, but the arrogance was his shield.
"I'm sorry," she said again, having come to the same conclusion as he had. If she went to him, he would protest at first--try to save her from making that decision. He always protected her, even from herself. Sometimes it seemed like it was mostly from herself. But if she persisted, he'd give in and let her stay. Lorna heard Amanda's voice again, warning her against breaking him. "Maybe they just got lost. Hormones can mess with your head and cheerleaders aren't that bright to begin with."
"Remy going to have to complain to de service. Dey supposed to sort dese things out." He limped back to the table and sat down. There was a miserable distance between them, both wrapped in private thoughts about the other. He ruthlessly killed thoughts about stopping her. He and Alex shared something; in his world, Lorna would be a target, and he didn't know how to deal with that either.
"Alex loves you, Lorna. I don't know if dat's enough, but it's true and it's real. For a lot of people, dat would be enough." It hurt worse than anything he'd done, but it was important. "No matter what you choose, it's not going to be a mistake. Remy think you need time to deal wit' de X-Men, but dat boy ready to wait. You always going to ask youself what if, but de reality is dat you need to focus on what makes you happy dat you know. No one gets anything more den dat."
"If I'm choosing based on someone who loves me, I'm no closer to a decision than when I came here. If I choose based on who I love..." Lorna shoved back from the table abruptly and stood, feeling trapped. "But you don't want me to do that. Amanda doesn't want me to do that. God knows there isn't a damn person on this planet who would want me to do that." She paced away then turned back, sharply. "So I'm supposed to make this decision on what? What makes me happy? That's a terrible reason."
"Is it?" Remy's voice was deceptively mild; a tone that Lorna had long learned led up to something important to him, and likely something that inspired her to want to throttle him. "Dere's no right and wrong in dis, chere. Better to choose what makes you happy den what you think makes someone else happy."
"You angry dat Remy not saying dat you should stay here? You know what it means." Remy took a deep breath. "If dis was a decision, you wouldn't have walked through dat door wit' you mind already made up."
Lorna glared, "What do you want me to say, Remy? That I want to stay? Figure out some way to make this work so that I can follow what my heart says is right?" She crossed back to the table, around to where he sat, watching her with that façade of arrogance she knew better than to believe. "You don't want me to say that because you think that it's wrong. That I'm wrong."
"So de question is me? Not Alex, not de X-Men, but Remy." He said, a nasty edge to his voice. Almost immediately he clamped down on himself. She could see the conflict, obvious in his retreat into what was easiest to push someone alway. There was a long moment; uncomfortable and combative as they stared at each other. Finally, Remy looked away. "You not de one dat's wrong. Dere's better out dere for you."
"I'm not in love with someone out there." Lorna replied steadily. If she faltered even slightly, showed even the slightest doubt he'd take that as her agreeing with his assessment of himself as not worthy. And Lorna didn't agree. Nor did she particularly care. "The overall question is what am I going to do when I get back to Hawaii. Pretend this never happened and that I'm still the same girl I was three years ago? Or give back the ring and lie about what that means? Or any other choice, I have. But right at this very second, yeah, you're the question."
There was a long silence, punctuated only by the maddening sound of LeBeau's fingers tightening on the head of his cane. "What do you expect me to say, Lorna?" He sounded tired. The arrogence was gone, sucked away by his hurt. "You stay here, you tossing away everything dat you ever told me dat you care 'bout. Dis is my world, and you want to be here?"
He got to his feet awkwardly. "It's violent and broken and dis is de only place dat I seem to matter. Is dis de life you want? Live wit' de cripple in de middle of de criminals and pretend it's alright because love is enough?" Remy's face twisted. "Dat's de answer to de damn question! Is dis what you really want?"
Standing he was just her height because of the way his body curved to compensate for the pain. Lorna reached forward and framed his face in her hands. "I want you to be happy. To be where you deserve and that's not here. It's not in the middle of criminals. I want you to have someone who loves you enough to see that about you. See, this is where this is hard for me. Because I don't just want for myself. I also want for you." She took a deep breath. "I'm going back to Hawaii. I'm giving back the ring. You knew I would say that."
"It's a mis--" His voice choked off. It was easy to push her away. That was something he'd learned fast and hard. He was as professional and cold an operative as you could wish, and still, next to her he lost his way. "You need to think 'bout dis, chere. You need to--"
She only had to move her hand slightly to brush it over his mouth, stopping the words. "I know I need to think about it. But that part is thought about. I can't marry him and it's not fair to him to pretend that I can." She spoke softly, so that he couldn't have moved back if he'd wanted to or he'd miss her words. "There are things that I need. I need to be an X-man, you made me see that. I also need to know that you're all right."
"You on a fool's errand dere, chere." Remy said, with a slight quirk of his lips. "Dere's nothing alright wit' Remy. Anyone could tell you dat."
"I don't listen to just anyone, Remy." She half-smiled. "You should know that. If I did, I wouldn't have spent so much time with you in the first place. I see you better than most people do."
"Dat's why you been so hard to get rid of." His tone was half-joking and half-serious. He finally reached up and took her hand, wrapping it in his long fingers as it lay against his cheek. "I'm scared dat you going to regret dis, Lorna."
"I'm scared too. I..." she took a deep breath, trembling slightly. 'I'm not promising anything now. And I can't stay here. I have things I need to sort out and a team that I need." Amanda was going to murder her. "That doesn't mean I don't mean this, okay?"
"All de green haired femmes say dat." Remy said, infuriatingly lightly. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, he kissed her. Remy had always showed immense physical control around her. He'd been so worried about crossing lines he didn't understand that the only physical moment they'd ever shared was after she'd returned and he'd awoke from his coma. He could have been pushing, or not cared or even have been throwing everything away. But for once, he was willing to follow what he felt was right.
For a moment, Lorna thought of Alex and how different it felt when he kissed her. Then she thought only of Remy and kissed him back, her eyes closed and her hands shaking ever so faintly against his face. She eased back, or perhaps he did, after a long moment and they stood, not quite touching, breath harsh. "I have to leave in three hours," she whispered to him.
"Shame to leave New Orleans wit' out some proper Cajun cooking." Remy said roughly, trying to conceal his own emotions. He slowly separated from her, letting her hand slip from his. Until things were dealt with, she wasn't his. He settled the cane in front of him, placing one hand over the other carefully. "Maybe Remy take you to lunch den?"
Lorna drew in a careful breath. Then another. "Yeah, that would be nice. I've never been to New Orleans after all." She took a long step back from him. "Let me go fix my hair. It'll just be a minute." Without waiting for a response, she turned and walked away, wondering what she'd just done.
