Oops, I Know What A Girl Wants, So Show Me The Meaning Of Being Dirrty

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From Lauren, February 21, 2004:

So Hilory and I got on the subject of Shinobi's erstwhile fame, and how he's obviously done photoshoots for Tiger Beat, because he's better than Prince William and Ryder Strong put together. This being the age of the internet, where thirteen-year-olds can be anyone they want, we included fansites with a yellow background, broken images, and neon green text -- but, most of all, fanfiction -- on his resume as well.

So, for your reading "pleasure", we present:


Oops, I Know What a Girl Wants, So Show Me the Meaning of Being Dirrty.

once upon a time, there was a girl with ebony black hair and emerald green eyes and a thin waste and long legs and a pretty face who was very unpopular at school. She was unpopular because people were jelus jealous of her. They were jealous because she had ebony black hair and emerald green eyes and a thin waste and long legs and a pretty face, and because she was very smart and a good writer who had published 27 books that were in the school library.

Her name was Annamaria Emerald Isabella Fiona Crystal Risotto Arivaderci Smith, but she went by X because it was cool and mysterious, like her.

X was unhappy because she was unpopular because she had ebony black hair and emerald green eyes and a thin waste and long legs and a pretty face. She felt as though the girls at school who called her stuck-up and a loser would like her if only they could see past her outside to her sparkling personality, and the scars she carried bravely inside. X was scarred inside because her father had never loved her and forgot to give her an allowance most of the time, and her mother had been killed in a car crash. Also, she had swallowed a penny once and required surgery.

One day, X's father told her that she would be going to a ball really nice party hosted by Sebastian Shaw. X did not want to go.

'Nobody likes me and I am ugly,' she said, crying silver crystalline tears.

'You will go or I will not feed you,' said her mean father.

'I am fat anyway,' said X, weeping beautifully. although she did not look like her idol, Xtina Aguilera, she was very beautiful due to her hair and her eyes, which made her look like an attractive, female Harry Potter.

'You must go,' said her father, and the subject was closed. He sent X's cook/nanny/best friend, whose name was Mary, like Mary Poppins, to buy X a dress and went to drink whiskey because he was also alcoholic and beat X, but never so that she had bruises because she never got bruises, except on the inside.

Mary brought X a dress that was just like Xtina's that X had seen on TV, only on X it looked less slutty and more like X was the bauettiful beautiful princess that she really was. It was black and had straps and acentated acented accessed made X's figure look really hawt.

On the night of the ball, X was very nervous. Her alcoholic father who beat her but didn't leave bruises was drinking with Sebastian Shaw and abusing the waitress, who was wearing a french maid's uniform and high heels and crying very loudly. X ignored her and went to stand by the wall. Her dress made her look hawt, but she felt out of place amidst so many cool people. The girls who made fun of her at school because they were jealous of her bod and her hair and her smarts were shaking it up with three football players on the dance floor. Britney Spears, who had been X's idol until she had heard 'Dirrty' by Xtina who was so much more hardcore than Brit, was singing on the stage and dancing also. X wished somebody would ask her to dance.

Britney took a break to get a glass of water and stop feeling jealous of X, who she had seen and who was completely more hot than she was. X thought Brit only wanted water and didn't notice. When the music stopped, the girls at school, who were all named Tiffany, left their boyfriends and came over to stand near X. X wished that they would notice her sparkling personality and her scarred insides, but they did not.

'omg' said Tiffany 1. 'I hate you X'

Tiffany 2 did not say anything, because she was so overpowered by Tiffany 3's nasty bleached hair and fat legs. Tiffany 3 pushed X against the wall but did not leave a bruise because X only bruised on the inside.

'you suck' said Tiffany 3. 'omg, do you think you can come to our dance and steal our boyfriends?'

Two of the Tiffanies' boyfriends were making out in a corner and the third was trying to get Brit's attention for an autograph. The girls blamed X because they were so jealous of her.

Tiffany 3 pushed her again, and X felt silver crystalline tears well up in her eyes again. Would they never see her sparkling personality and scarred insides?

'yuo suck' said Tiffany 1. 'We're going to beat your ass.'

Then... it happened!

Just when X thought that all was lost, the most beautiful person she had ever seen appeared at her side. He was almost as beautiful as X, only he was a boy. He looked like Prince William only hawt and Asian.

'omg leave X alone' said the boy, and the three Tiffanies took a step back, awed by his presence. The crystal chandelier overhead gleamed onto his hair and his face and his body. He was wearing a tuxedo like Bond, only he was not old like Bond, especially not Sean Connery, and he didn't talk like Sean Connery or wear a kilt or have a beard, and he was Japanese.

'we did not know you knew her' wailed one Tiffany 'please do not be angry with us'

'I am very angry with you' said the boy 'for X is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and she has a sparkling personality and is scarred on the inside. You should be friends with her.'

'who are you?' X asked her saviour, who was like Justin Timberlake only Japanese and he hadn't dated Brit.

'I am Shinobi Shaw' said the boy. The Tiffanies went away to pull apart their boyfriends and cry because they were not as hawt as X.

'omg' said X. 'thank you for helping me.'"

And then Shinobi Shaw who was hawt and Asian said 'would you like to dance' and X said 'yes' and so Brit saw them and was so moved by their hawtness that she started to sing X's favourite song Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman. They danced and danced and Shinobi sang the songs in her ear as they danced and danced and X suddenly realised that the girls at school, especially Tiffany and Tiffany and Tiffany, did not know anything and were not important.

'I love you Shinobi' said X.

'I love you X' said Shinobi.

'You can call me Risotto' said X 'it is Japanese like you'

'omg okay' said Shinobi.

But then!!!!!!!11! something terrible happened!

'OMG' came the yell across the floor and the floor shook and broke in half, leaving X on one side of the ballroom really big party room and Shinobi on the other. X could not bare to be parted from him!!!! Tears welled up in her eyes.

'father!' Shinobi cried. Sebastian Shaw, who was six ten fifteen feet tall, came stomping up to him.

'why are you dancing weith X??????' Sebastian shouted. 'she is ugly and fat'

'I love her father' Shinobi said bravely although he was not fifteen feet tall.

'no Shinobi' said X 'i cannot come between you and your father'

X looked for her own father so that they could leave but he was haveing sex with the waitress dressed in a french maid outfit and high heels in the corner.

'he is evil' said Shinobi. and Shinobi used his SUPER SAIYAJIN PUNCH on Sebastian and Sebastian fainted.

'you are so phat omg' X said and jumped over the crack in the dance floor to hug him and kiss him."

And once Sebastian woke up they shaved off his sideburns and he was cool again. And X and Shinobi decided to get married and Shinobi did his SUPER SAIYAJIN PUNCH on X's alcoholic father and he became a productive member of society and worked at the library with Sebastian and they read to children on the weekends. And they were going to live happily ever after and Tiffany and Tiffany and Tiffany became X's friends and Shinobi paid for Tiffany 3 to get liposuction on her legs and a good hairstyle and then he paid for X to get a beautiful wedding dress like Brit's when she married that guy.

'omg true love' said X'

The day before the wedding, X fell down.

'what is wrong' Shinobi asked.

'ow' said X, and died because although she had a sparkling personality and ebony black hair and emerald green eyes and a thin waste and long legs and a pretty face, and she was very smart and a good writer who had published 27 books that were in the school library, she was still bleeding from all the bruises she had inside.

"What the fuck just happened?" Shinobi asked, looking at X in her wedding dress. X was not as hawt when she was dead. Actually, she looked a little bit like Michael Jackson.

Sebastian threw a little kid out the window, followed by thirty children's picture books. "Hell if I know."

And Sebastian returned to being evil, and Shinobi went to shag Sarah in the basement.

THE END.